when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.