TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her