You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My dad teaching me to drive
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Good point.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”