You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave