I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years