[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial