Why is he not as excited to meet me? 馃檨
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don鈥檛 take you grocery shopping.