It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My daily affirmation
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital