[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!