me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.