“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
emergency phone
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Put my back out twerking in the library again
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom