pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet