A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I didn’t realize that was an option
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.