Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’