Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You Might Also Like
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?