If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.