A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.