Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I came this close!!!!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced