OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Breaking news:
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”