Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?