Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
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I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
(Electricians.)
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you