Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
You Might Also Like
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
went fishing caught a bass
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit