went fishing caught a bass
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks