Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Awwwww shit.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.