If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.