Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I finally found a reason to live again.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.