Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well