MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.