MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.