Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.