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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
This is painfully accurate 😅