Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
your honor my client chooses dare
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.