If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Skills
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
this is the news I live for
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy