@slimmy_shady

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

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@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@stephenjmolloy

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

@NolaChef504

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

@Tmoney68

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

@GeriatricBeards

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…