Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
new record!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”