You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.