“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here