Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
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BETRAYAL
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
next question.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I hate my earbuds.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!