Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself