You Might Also Like
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]