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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Donkey Kong sommelier
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
getaway driver: is he in line