You Might Also Like
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
![]()
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
![]()
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time