When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud