@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

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@PaperWash

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

@danwlin

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

@intellegint

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@OllyiConic

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@MarfSalvador

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

@BobTheSuit

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@T_Bonezzz_

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground