I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Something Saturday.