Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Barbie gone wild
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.