If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online