A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
you gotta be faster
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.