@dreamthievin

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

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@MoiraInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@BrainFumbles

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@whatsJo

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

@causticbob

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me