Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?