It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
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After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
plant them where lol
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine