if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals