if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
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Who.
Did.
This?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
secret recipe
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this