if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.


Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?


I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.


Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!


*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*


COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-


Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.