if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
😲 WTF? 😆
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.