Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…