Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.