Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you