Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity