The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
lmao
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.